No, this one is not a hissy fit. For once it is a calm contemplative thought, reflecting on some things I do and he doesn’t and the reasons why things come to be so. Don’t be looking for anything profound here just some thoughts that manifest themselves one morning last week.
While I have penned down many a rant about the husband and our run-ins. They have been in jest but the narratives have in some way or the other helped me keep sane too. Not because he is a bad husband but because life threw many a curve ball at me and laughing about silly matters seemed a good way to keep my spirits up.
But there have been times when I have marvelled at how different he & I are. Sometimes I attributed it to differences of our respective cultures, at other times blamed it on his gender and so on. After a slightly upsetting morning today, for a change I did not look for reasons to blame him. Sure, he was very self-centred in the way he behaved but then was I not to blame to be playing victim in that exchange; something I realised I have done often.
I will not go into details here but offer you a background to put things in perspective. Of late, I have worried about his health- stress and BP and all that. I make sure his lunch is packed for him to take. I spend inordinate amounts of time looking at food labels to pick up items with low salt content. I remind him to take his meds.
What I do not do is take care of my own health. I am not even half as motivated to keep myself fit. Well I have the intention but it gets waylaid somewhere down the line. Needless to say, some issues have cropped up. To be specific, back aches. What I expect from the husband is to show as much concern as I do to him in these matters. Again to skip the specifics, the fact is that he doesn’t. And no, I am not asking you to think that he is a bad person. It’s just not in his personality to express (or if I may dare to say, even feel) these emotions. (To be fair, he comes to be by my side if I make enough noise J )
He believes, and rightly so, that a person has to look after his/her own self. And that’s the lesson he has grown up with. To be fair, my parents tried to instil the same attitude in me. However, I knowingly or inadvertently did not do so.
I chose, however unconsciously, to emulate the many women in my life. Them, who put their family’s needs first. I used to feel sorry for them as they struggled to keep their heads above water even as they made sure the family stayed afloat. I swore never to follow their lead. I promised to never to lose my health and find my worth in keeping my family happy and well. I fell in to the very trap I was avoiding. Somewhere in the last two years I embraced the notion that a woman who can’t look after her kith & kin or keep a house sparkling clean or cook like her mother-in-law does, and so on, is not a “successful” wife. And somewhere in the woods I also stumbled on the mental block that reminded me that if I wasn’t earning a salary, the least I could do was run the “perfect” household. All this i did to myself.
Maybe I am being a bit harsh. But I am happy that I realised what I did. You know why, because I am taking ownership- off my weaknesses and drawbacks. And I also know that this knowledge is the way to shake these very notions off. I hope what I learnt about myself today would help me give myself more credit. No not validation from others but a sense of accomplishment that I would come from within and matter more than accolades and praise from others. I know the latter is important but I also realise that the former is quintessential for a happy life.
Thanks for listening. xx