Monday, 14 March 2011

Reflection

No, this one is not a hissy fit. For once it is a calm contemplative thought, reflecting on some things I do and he doesn’t and the reasons why things come to be so. Don’t be looking for anything profound here just some thoughts that manifest themselves one morning last week.

While I have penned down many a rant about the husband and our run-ins. They have been in jest but the narratives have in some way or the other helped me keep sane too. Not because he is a bad husband but because life threw many a curve ball at me and laughing about silly matters seemed a good way to keep my spirits up.

But there have been times when I have marvelled at how different he & I are. Sometimes I attributed it to differences of our respective cultures, at other times blamed it on his gender and so on. After a slightly upsetting morning today, for a change I did not look for reasons to blame him. Sure, he was very self-centred in the way he behaved but then was I not to blame to be playing victim in that exchange; something I realised I have done often.

I will not go into details here but offer you a background to put things in perspective. Of late, I have worried about his health- stress and BP and all that. I make sure his lunch is packed for him to take. I spend inordinate amounts of time looking at food labels to pick up items with low salt content. I remind him to take his meds.

What I do not do is take care of my own health. I am not even half as motivated to keep myself fit. Well I have the intention but it gets waylaid somewhere down the line. Needless to say, some issues have cropped up. To be specific, back aches. What I expect from the husband is to show as much concern as I do to him in these matters. Again to skip the specifics, the fact is that he doesn’t. And no, I am not asking you to think that he is a bad person. It’s just not in his personality to express (or if I may dare to say, even feel) these emotions. (To be fair, he comes to be by my side if I make enough noise J )

He believes, and rightly so, that a person has to look after his/her own self. And that’s the lesson he has grown up with. To be fair, my parents tried to instil the same attitude in me. However, I knowingly or inadvertently did not do so.

I chose, however unconsciously, to emulate the many women in my life. Them, who put their family’s needs first. I used to feel sorry for them as they struggled to keep their heads above water even as they made sure the family stayed afloat. I swore never to follow their lead. I promised to never to lose my health and find my worth in keeping my family happy and well. I fell in to the very trap I was avoiding. Somewhere in the last two years I embraced the notion that a woman who can’t look after her kith & kin or keep a house sparkling clean or cook like her mother-in-law does, and so on, is not a “successful” wife. And somewhere in the woods I also stumbled on the mental block that reminded me that if I wasn’t earning a salary, the least I could do was run the “perfect” household. All this i did to myself.

Maybe I am being a bit harsh. But I am happy that I realised what I did. You know why, because I am taking ownership- off my weaknesses and drawbacks. And I also know that this knowledge is the way to shake these very notions off. I hope what I learnt about myself today would help me give myself more credit. No not validation from others but a sense of accomplishment that I would come from within and matter more than accolades and praise from others. I know the latter is important but I also realise that the former is quintessential for a happy life.

Thanks for listening. xx

6 comments:

Charu said...

go girl :)

Prerna said...

Thanks CD! I am glad you agree. :)

coffeebeansandcloves said...

And suddenly we confront ourselves! .. a very well written piece. Honest and perceptive.
Why doesn't this blog have a like button? :)

Prerna said...

Thanks Sim. Glad you approve :) As for the lack of the like button, welcome to blogger!

Sengemo said...

I know who to turn to when Tashi will bug me (which he does often even now) and I would wish I could kill him once we are married.
Peru, I also look at the many women in my life and, like you, have felt how can they let such things happen and why don't they put themselves on an equal pedestal. Being so-called educated and all,I used to feel bad that these women can't even think for themselves but I have experienced, (already, just a bit) and after reading your blog, that we just fall in the same 'trap' that we want to avoid. The solution lies in sharing your stories. From your blogs I have and I know I will continue to learn things that will come handy later.
Keep writing my love.

Prerna said...

Thanks N. To be fair, most of what i write is cathartic. But i am glad that you glean hope from what goes in here. Thank you for being so honest about your own feelings. It's encouragement and affection like yours that keep me going. Add to that now the pride (and a feeling of responsibility) that I am actually helping someone cope better. Thanks.