The other day, the pater and I were embroiled in a discussion about marriage. The main argument that ensued was about expectations, of the two parties from their prospective partners, before the exchange of vows. I was of the opinion that the two important factors were kindness and respect, while he maintained there were no fixed parameters for during courtship with both parties putting their best foot forward, it was difficult to separate the real from the forced; one had to go with the gut feeling.
What we did agree on, however, was the basis of making a choice were individual and that a list of must-haves (in your choice of spouse) can lead to a no-show and acute disappointment of various kinds.
What prompted me to launch into this post was the tete-a-tete with dad vis-à-vis the anniversary of the day V and I said “I do”. (Last week was the first year anniversary of our wedding, again, which, ironically we spent apart. Not entirely out of choice but because of travel plans gone awry. However, the day was lovely, and the heart thankful for a year that tested our patience and love for each other, made us better friends.)
To sum up the second part of my inspiration, I have the following to list.
Love: with which it all started
Laughter: very very important
Adventure: a part of our existence
Longing: of a time gone by
That’s what the last one year of living together brought us. Which brings me to wonder what coming years hold for us?
As you can see from the list that the gone year was not all rosy, but then I would be a fool to expect that. Nonetheless, my expectations hovered in the vicinity of near bliss. You can’t blame a girl for dreaming.
But believe me, all the years apart when we envisaged marriage together, the picture we painted in our minds was nothing like the days we experienced in the last 365 days. He did not turn out to be the man I thought I had married, and maybe I wasn’t really what he had bargained for. The tussle to change the other was frustrating and well, we now realise, futile. It was the day one of us decided to give up this task, it became easier to smile and life together became more productive.
The one take away I cherish most is that no matter how hard you try, the only person who you can change is yourself. And let’s face it, I have resisted all attempts made by many to change me all my life. I did what I wanted on my terms and in my time. It was time I let another person decide for himself what he could or could not do.
And a precious gift the hubby brought in my life was to show me what unconditional love meant. To continue loving in spite of rabid rows, hurtful words, broken friendships, crisis of faith, sour pasta, tepid coffee, and much much more. To end every row with… “but you know I love you”. For a long time I envied those who seemed to live in a marital utopia, kept consoling myself that everyone had their skeletons to hide. It doesn’t matter anymore. What does is that every marriage has its own path to traverse. You accept the good and bad and make the best of it. For some this may sound like a resignation but believe me, I couldn’t have asked for a better lesson: one that brings us both a lot of happiness and makes us feel grateful for what we have.
Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post that I too came into this marriage with quite a few expectations, only to realise that there are no set rules in this game. You had to make a gamble, some are too naïve or wise enough to make it, others too cautious or wise enough not to make it.